Category: 30 Days Proud
Day 26: I’m Proud I Finished College
I’m proud I finished college.
It may seem like an ordinary thing to be proud of. However, I dropped out of college my senior year after a severe bout with depression and anxiety. It was the worst decision of my life, and was partially due to the fact that I wasn’t receiving the proper mental health treatment and was on the wrong medication. I didn’t even recognize that I was experiencing severe depression and anxiety. In my depressive state, I just thought I was stupid and couldn’t handle school.
My decision to drop out of school was very rash. Prior to dropping out, I stopped functioning altogether and my grades were terrible. I just wanted to stay home and sleep all day. I also had terrible anxiety whenever I had to do something school-related, to the point where I couldn’t get anything done without having a breakdown.
It became too overwhelming and I couldn’t take it anymore.
I felt really ashamed about dropping out for a long time. My family and I put so much value on education and intelligence. I felt like I couldn’t finish school because I was stupid, which led to more depression. Then I saw all of my friends graduating and getting awesome jobs, which led to more depression. Then I had the shittiest job on the planet in the shittiest work environment I’ve ever encountered, which led to more depression. I eventually had to work two jobs for 70 hours a week just to get by, which led to no time for thinking about or doing anything.
I constantly regretted dropping out of school, and had regular panic attacks because of it. Because I dropped out, I was now working two awful jobs just to get by financially. I couldn’t afford to pursue my dream of traveling, experiencing more of the world, and writing about it. I often dreamed of going back and finishing my degree, but in my depressive state, I figured I would just screw it up again.
After a few years, I was tired of living that way. Sometimes you have to sink that low in order to make a positive life change.
Finally, with money saved from my two jobs, I signed up for online classes to finish my degree. School became my new second job. Even though the classes were online, they were very challenging. I worked really hard every night after work to excel in my classes, which I received all A’s in.
Getting my degree in the mail was one of the most exciting and happiest days of my life. That night, my husband and I went out and celebrated.
I wanted both my maiden name and married name listed on my degree. Because both my family and my husband supported me and made finishing my degree possible.
I’m proud that I finished my degree. I am smart and capable of overcoming challenges. The biggest lesson I learned is that I don’t need a piece of paper to convince anyone of that.
I was the first person in my immediate family to graduate from college. Then my Dad one-upped me and graduated from Harvard. Because he is wicked smaht! (This is a whole other awesome story I will have to share with you later. My Dad overcame MANY more challenges than I did to earn his degree).
My Dad is the person who gave me the passion for learning in the first place. When I was growing up, he always told me: “Lisa, if I die tomorrow, I still want you to go to school.” That passion is what drove me to initially pursue and eventually finish my degree.
I wish I had the money and time to go to grad school, but I don’t right now. Maybe I’ll get to go to grad school someday, and that will be something else I can be proud of!
Day 25: I’m Proud of My Response to Being Robbed
A year ago yesterday, the day after St. Patrick’s Day, the apartment my husband and I live in was robbed.
Talk about the luck of the Irish.
I came home from work that day, and the first thing I noticed when I walked through the door was that my dresser drawers were all open and looked like they had been rifled through.
Then I walked into the living room and everything was in a complete disarray.
An Xbox we borrowed from a friend was gone, and I soon discovered that our laptop and iPad were also taken, in addition to several of my husband’s video games.
I walked into the bedroom, and the mess was even worse. EVERYTHING, literally everything, had been rifled through. No box, draw, or item of clothing hanging in my closet was left untouched. The thieves even rifled through our photo albums.
My jewelry was strewn everywhere. I was really nervous that a pearl necklace my husband gave me for our wedding anniversary was gone. Strangely, it wasn’t. They opened the box it was in, looked at it, and left it. I had jewelry making supplies which included fake pearls, so they must have thought the necklace was fake.
However, they did steal a 14 karat tri-gold necklace and bracelet set my brother and sister-in-law gave me for my 16th birthday.
After my initial freak out, and repetitive “WHAT THE FUCK!!!!”s, I called the police. Then I called my landlord, whose apartment was also targeted.
We later found out that the thieves broke into our side window and broke down the door to get into my landlord’s apartment upstairs. That apartment was completely rifled through, and it looked like the thieves spent A LOT of time up there. They stole their camera, portable electronic devices, an expensive watch, rare coins, prescription drugs, alcohol, and more.
We learned that the robbery must have been drug related. They were looking for quick cash and portable electronics – items they could easily sell. They were also very likely on foot, since they didn’t take larger electronics and stole my husband’s backpack to carry things in.
They were also looking for drugs, and found some leftover pain killers our landlord had leftover from an injury.
The police came, took a report, and dusted for fingerprints.
I felt really scared and violated. But what was really freaky was that the thieves didn’t get through our apartment as much as they got through our landlord’s. They took the Xbox, but left our PlayStation. In fact, they began to unplug the PlayStation, but left it. They also left my digital camera out of its bag.
Eerily, a single blind was left open in the kitchen, which told me they looked out the window at one point. They barely made it to our kitchen and bathroom, as several items in those rooms were left undisturbed.
Something or someone must have interrupted them. Could it have been me, coming home from work? They left the front door unlocked, and I entered the house through the back door.
Upon realizing this, I was immediately thankful that I wasn’t home when the robbery was happening.
I was also thankful they took mostly replaceable things from us. The only things they took that I could not replace were the 14k necklace and bracelet.
It could have been so much worse.
We have renter’s insurance, so we weren’t worried about being able to replace things.
It’s just stuff.
There is an epidemic that is increasingly prevalent in our area and across the country: heroin addiction. In the last year or so, we’ve seen more robberies in our area that I now know are directly related to this epidemic.
I have had friends and family members who have struggled with addiction. So upon reflection, I felt a little sorry for the people who robbed us. What were they addicted to, or what happened in their lives to make them this desperate?
So I’ve made it a point to pray for them, hoping they find help and change their lives.
In the last year, we have increased our home security through various measures, including installing an alarm system and window bars. No one should be able to get in our home again.
Below is a Facebook post I shared after we were robbed last year. I’m proud of the way I responded to the situation. I could have been super mad and upset about the whole thing, but it made me recognize what really matters: our health, our safety, and our memories.
AND my husband’s comics, which the thieves stupidly ignored. Can’t forget those! 🙂
The thieves were never caught, and we were never able to recover our lost items.
Day 24: I’m Proud I Joined Meetup Groups
I just discovered Meetup.com, which is a super cool website you can browse to meet new people in your area who have similar interests.
There are oodles of groups on there for every interest. There are wine tasting groups, hiking groups, book clubs, crafting groups, and so much more.
The best part is that you can read reviews about groups and post reviews about the groups that you try, so you know you’re not meeting up with a bunch of creepers.
I have realized recently that there are some things I really miss about myself. I have great friends, and I love my husband to death, but there are some things I really enjoy that none of my friends or my husband really enjoy.
So over the years, I’ve kind of given those things up. And I miss them.
One thing I really enjoy that many of my friends don’t is reading non-fiction. I still enjoy fiction, but some fiction books that enthrall the masses bore me to death. Because I want to read about REAL things and REAL people who have REAL struggles to overcome (or who have already overcome real struggles). I think the reason I chose to pursue a journalism degree in college is because I think real stories are the most interesting stories. I’m also a complete nerd for memoirs. Many of those stories are inspiring to me. Because if someone else in the real world did it, so can I.
So, as luck would have it, there is a Non-Fiction Book Club in my area! I have joined that group, but they haven’t had a meetup yet that I could attend. I am looking forward to the next Meetup, where we will discuss the book I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban.
I also joined a local women writers group. I have a few friends who write, but not many. And it’s been years since I’ve gotten together with other writers to work on my craft. Even though it gave me a panic attack, I attended one writers Meetup and it was great! We were given a few writing prompts and I went to town on a couple of them and came away from it with some good stuff (maybe I’ll share it with you later!).
I also love to try new things. I am joyful when I have new, exciting experiences, meet new people, and learn new things (this is why I love to travel). I have also joined a group of people in my area to try new things in the area- like new restaurants, bars, landmarks, etc. I can’t wait to attend some of those Meetups.
So I’m proud that I overcame my shyness and anxiety to meet new people and pursue the things I enjoy doing. I am looking forward to trying new things and forming new friendships!
Day 23: I’m Glad I’m Expressing My Feelings More
I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I shared something on here.
I wanted to do this #30DaysProud thing daily, but as I went on I also wanted to share quality, well-thought out writing with my readers.
The past few weeks have been rough. We’ve had terrible weather in Massachusetts and I experience some seasonal depression as it is. The increased isolation from the amount of snow we’ve received has only made it worse.
Here is my I’m fucking sick of snow face:
Here are the 7 foot snow banks we have in Massachusetts:
I’ve been trying to get to the gym more to help my mood as well. So that leaves less time for writing.
I’ve also gotten a LITTLE addicted to Minecraft. But that’s another story…
ANYWAY today it was above 50 degrees in Massachusetts and the snow has started to melt a bit. Yay!
Today I wanted to share the fact that I am proud I am expressing my feelings more.
Recently I read an article about the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. It really hit me, and I’m trying to apply these lessons to my own life.
The BIG one I struggle with is having the courage to express my feelings. OH MAN, do I struggle with this. Because I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life, I have had to teach myself to hide my feelings so people won’t think I’m crazy (in short). I’ve also learned to put on this front that I am stronger than I really am because I’ve been hurt in the past by people I cared for. I don’t want anyone to think I’m emotionally vulnerable so they feel they have a license to hurt me or take advantage of me.
My version of appearing “strong” is bottling up my feelings when I’m around people and letting them BURST when I’m alone or at inappropriate times because I simply can’t take it anymore. I have become so good at this that I can’t even cry at funerals. I also didn’t cry at the airport gate when my boyfriend (now husband) left for Iraq. This makes me feel like a complete jerk, but bottling my feelings has become so ingrained in me and it’s my automatic response to painful things.
I am trying to let go of that because years of therapy have taught me that bottling your feelings is bad for you. You need to express your feelings, ESPECIALLY if they are completely normal responses to painful things like losing a loved one or being rejected by someone you care for. Otherwise you appear strong when you’re really weak, carrying anger, resentment, and jealousy around you all day, everyday.
Before I became severely depressed in college, I used to write a lot of cards and little notes. It’s hard for me to vocalize feelings, because I’m not the best orator and I feel like I come off as stupid. I’m not as quick-witted as many of my friends, and sometimes I struggle to find the proper words at the top of my head during a conversation. I feel like I’m a lot smarter when I’m just thinking my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, it’s always a bit disappointing and embarrassing.
Writing has always been my way to convey my true feelings without sounding like an idiot. So often I would write little cards and notes to my friends, family members, boyfriends, teachers, etc.
I’ve begun writing little notes and cards again, mostly to my husband to tell him how I really feel. It has been pretty rewarding and it makes me feel good. Sometimes I’ll write a card before I drive home from work. I know if anything happens to me on the way home, I can die happy knowing that that card in my purse may reach my husband and he’ll know how much I love him.
Sometimes I would walk around a store and have a random thought about someone I love. I’d think, “Oh, look at this. So-and-so would like this.” But then I wouldn’t get it because I lacked confidence or thought I might be spending money foolishly.
Now, if I have a nice thought about someone, and wish to get them something to show them I’m thinking of them, I buy it and send it. Because I know I won’t regret it.
That’s just one way I’m expressing my true feeling more. I’m also trying to get better at expressing feelings verbally, but it’s tougher for me. My husband has taught me a lot about healthy communication and I feel I practice healthy communication with him. With others, I struggle. But I’m trying to get better.
Do you have trouble expressing your feelings too? Have you found a way to cope?
Day 21: I’m Proud I’ve Chosen To Be More Thankful
Today I’m proud that I’ve chosen to be more thankful.
A couple of years ago I was part of a women’s study group through a local church. We decided to read a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and work together to adopt “Eucharisteo,” a sense of joy, grace and thanksgiving in our everyday lives.
The book changed my life. I highly recommend it, especially if you subscribe to the Christian philosophy (Voskamp is a Christian writer and shares her experience through that lens).
I adore Ann Voskamp’s writing. It’s honestly not for everyone, but I enjoyed the book because Voskamp is a poet at heart and I love poetry. I distinctly remember a few paragraphs in the book where she described grating mozzarella cheese to make homemade pizza for her family. Grating cheese onto homemade dough never sounded so beautiful and serene. She made grating cheese sound like the most amazing, life-giving, and fulfilling activity in the world.
While grating cheese bores the hell out of me (maybe I’m not far enough on my spiritual or poetic journey as Ann is to appreciate it that much), the concepts Ann conveyed in the book really changed me. She taught me to appreciate the SIMPLEST things in life. Ordinary, everyday things.
Because that is the STUFF of life. Those little moments are the things we often look back on and remember with fondness.
Expressing thanks each day has made me a much happier person. There are days where I don’t appreciate things as much and don’t express thanks. Those days tend to be harder to get through.
So each day, usually at the end of the day, I try to express thanks for things large and small.
In One Thousand Gifts, Voskamp encourages readers to start making a list of their own One Thousand Gifts. Here are a few things from the beginning of my list I started two years ago:
1. Warmth of a jacket, gloves, and scarf in the winter.
2. Putting on my bathrobe in the morning.
3. The smell and taste of morning coffee and the comfort it brings.
4. Morning hugs.
5. My husband Greg telling me to have a good day and to drive safe.
6. Warm showers and the way they wake you up and refresh you.
7. Warm baths bringing relaxation and time of reflection.
8. Clean water to drink and bathe in.
9. Enough clothing.
10. Light at my command.
11. Warm oatmeal.
12. Reliable transportation to work.
13. Love notes from Greg.
14. All of my silly coffee mugs, especially the one with the cow my Mum gave me.
15. Lungs laboring breath.
16. Beautiful smiles painted by the joy of the Lord.
17. The wisdom shared in my church group.
18. Powdery snow on tree branches.
19. Pay day!
20. Falling snow.
21. My warm K-State mittens.
22. Hot chocolate.
23. The hope of Spring, closer every day.
24. God’s grace, extended to even the worst of people.
25. Working toilets (I wrote this after BOTH of our toilets in our last apartment weren’t working. Man… it is a true blessing to have a working toilet!)
26. When Greg waxes artistic.
27. My friend Robbie J’s sense of humor. He taught me how to be funny.
28. My Dad’s optimism and friendliness.
29. My Mum’s strength and kindness.
30. My brother Sean’s humor and recovery. He is a miracle.
31. My brother Paul’s wonderful culinary creations and his quiet kindness.
32. My sister-in-law Diana’s positivity and hospitality.
33. My sweet nephew Connor.
34. My friend Lisa Wright’s caring spirit.
35. Everyone in Greg’s family accepting me into their family and loving me as their own.
36. Doctors and therapists who care.
37. Greg being the water to my earth.
38. Singing in the car.
39. Access to education.
40. Dunks.
41. Kansas sunsets.
42. Time alone for reflection.
43. The Cross. Forgiveness.
44. Greg’s smile- pure, cheerful, loving, and unforced.
45. Greg telling me that my hair smells like sunshine after our walk today.
46. Parks.
47. Friends both near and far.
48. Healthy food.
49. Thunder snow! (Yep, it’s a thing).
50. My life as it is.
I’ve added more to the list since then, and hope to continue to add to the list of things I’m thankful for.
I feel very blessed. For all things, large and small.
Days 19 & 20: I’m Proud That I’m Focusing Less On Vanity
Day 19 – Makeup
I’m proud of the fact that recently I’ve been able to leave the house without makeup.
It may sound silly, but it’s kind of a big deal for me.
In an effort to save money and time, I’ve opted to not wear makeup unless it is a special occasion.
I often feel very self conscious without makeup. I’m very pale, and my complexion is far from perfect.
I’m often asked if I’m not feeling well when I don’t wear makeup. I work in healthcare and was once told by a doctor that I looked “very sick” on a day I didn’t have time to put makeup on. I lied and said that I WAS sick, because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with his unintended insult smoothly.
That gives you an idea of the difference between my natural and painted on look.
Here’s me with makeup on, looking ridiculous because I always look horrible in pictures I try to appear normal in:
Here’s me without makeup on:
The above picture was incredibly difficult to find because I’m hardly ever without makeup. I sort of hate sharing it with you, but whatever.
Makeup can be very expensive and time-consuming. As much as I LOVE BareMinerals, I just can’t keep spending the amount of money I’ve been spending there. Besides, I’m in my 30s now and am confident that I’m defined by more things than my appearance. I don’t know who the hell I’m trying to impress anyway. My husband finds me just as attractive without makeup.
From here forward, I’m going to save the money I’ve been wasting on makeup and put it toward an awesome trip. And I’m going to focus more on improving my personality rather than my appearance.
Day 20 – Weight
I’m proud that I’ve chosen not to freak out about the weight I’ve gained lately.
For those of you who know me, you know that I have a naturally petite frame. That is what I am used to and what I am comfortable with.
A couple of years ago I started taking a new medication. It made me gain 10 lbs. in one week.
I went back to the doctor and said, “What the hell is going on? I’ve gained a lot of weight since starting this medication.”
She said, “Oh, I’m not surprised. I’ve had people come back into my office 60 lbs. heavier than they were the last time I saw them.”
My eyes bulged out of my head. I was pissed she didn’t tell me about the risk of weight gain, but she was a really good doctor. Honestly, my weight/appearance didn’t matter much to her. My overall wellness did. So I cut her some slack.
“This medicine will make you hungry,” she said. “If you want to keep the weight off, you really need to focus on getting to the gym and watching your caloric intake.”
So during the 6 months following that appointment, I got a little crazy about my weight. I worked hard to lost 20 pounds and return to my naturally thin frame.
But I think I overdid it a little. I focused too much on losing weight rather than getting in shape. I felt very confident with my appearance, but I was kind of miserable. I was living off mostly oatmeal and yogurt, and became obsessive about my workout routine.
I have a few friends who have had eating disorders. I didn’t have an eating disorder at this point, but I was becoming borderline. I used to celebrate ending up with a net of less than 1,000 calories each day (having worked off most of the calories I ate). That is until the MyFitnessPal app started yelling at me to consume more calories. I soon discovered that the absolute MINIMUM women should net each day is 1,200 calories. Otherwise, your body goes into starvation mode.
In the past couple of years I’ve experienced changes in my lifestyle including moving to a new area, starting a new job, and being closer to more friends. My life has become a lot more social and that means I spend more time going out to eat, watching movies, attending parties, and participating in other sedentary activities. I haven’t had as much time to go to the gym every day and eat as healthy.
I recently gained back all of the weight I lost, and then some. I continue to be on the medication that the doctor placed me on, because it really works for me.
Part of me is really embarrassed and ashamed that I gained back all that weight. But another part of me tells myself, “Shut the fuck up. You’re fine.”
I’ve gotten back into a regular workout schedule and healthy eating regimen. I’m doing the best I can.
Often I say to myself, “I need to lose this weight now now NOW!” And I’m tempted to pursue unhealthy paths to accomplish this.
But I’m trying my best to resist that part of myself. I will just continue to do the best I can to get in shape.
Here is a picture of the largest I’ve been in my adult life. It was toward the end of my college years, after I stopped a medication. I immediately gained a lot of weight (for me) as a side effect.
One day when I was feeling down about myself, my husband taped the above picture to our bedroom mirror along with this message:
So I try to remember that each day. It helps.
I’m proud that I’m doing the best that I can to get in shape. And I know that if I do it the right way, I will have a lot more confidence in myself than the last time I lost all of that weight.
And this time, the reason I work out is because it makes me feel good and puts me in a better mood.
I want a prettier personality. The body comes second.
Day 18: I’m Proud of My Writing
Today I am proud of my writing skills.
I’ve been a writer for about 20 years now. It all began when I was 11 years old and I had to keep a journal for my 6th grade English class. I wrote a poem for each entry- the poems were usually about nature, God, and silly adolescent stuff.
My poems reminded my Dad of Emily Dickinson’s poems, and he encouraged me to read a biography about the famously reclusive poet, as well as her groundbreaking poems.
We did a section on the Holocaust in my 7th grade English class, and I decided that I would write my term paper about children of the Holocaust. I read and immediately fell in love with Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl.
My first official journal was dedicated to Anne Frank, my new kindred spirit. I began to document everyday life and include photos, ticket stubs, and more, like Anne did.
I have filled many more journals since then and eventually earned my bachelor’s degree in journalism and English.
I sometimes look back on those journals, read the entries, and think, “This is pretty good. Maybe I could write a book one day and include something like this in it.”
I have written a novel for National Novel Writing Month, but haven’t refined it enough yet that I would be comfortable releasing it to the world.
Now my career includes writing. I’m proud that I am able to use that skill in my daily working life and in my spare time.
Everybody has different talents, and not many people can write well because they are talented in other ways. I am proud that I can write and enjoy the fulfillment it gives me.
The only bad thing about my writing is I am VERY particular about it! I won’t share anything I consider “crap”. And each blog post I write has at least 5 revisions.
That’s why I haven’t been sharing things daily for my 30 Days Proud Project. Because I’ll start to write something and get stuck, or I’ll think, “This isn’t coming across right. Screw it!” I will never share anything I consider sub-par with anyone.
But I think my nitpickiness has helped me become a better writer over the years.
Who knows… maybe I will publish a novel someday… if I ever work up the guts to share it!
Day 17: I’m Proud of Our Marriage
One of the things I’m most proud of in this life is my relationship with my husband, Greg, and our marriage.
People aren’t lying when they say that marriage is hard. It definitely can be.
But with us, it often feels easy because we are best friends first and foremost. And we genuinely enjoy spending time together. Most importantly, we make each other laugh. I believe laughter is crucial to a successful relationship and marriage!
Greg and I have been married for almost 5 years, but have been companions for 12. It is so weird to think that we’ve been together for that long! It doesn’t feel that long.
We’ve been through a lot during the last 12 years. Long distance dating, Marine Corps boot camp, college, the Iraq War, moving across the country together (twice), taking chances, experiencing successes and failures and remaining strong through them, figuring out what we want to do with our lives, losing loved ones, being faithful to each other, and so much more.
Here are a bunch of things I love about my husband and about being married to him:
1. I like that he worries about me even though I can handle myself.
2. I like the way he says, “Hey you” when I come home.
3. I like the way he smiles at me.
4. Yesterday he told me I looked pretty (even though I hadn’t showered for two days) and that I always look pretty.
5. We build each other up when needed. When I am weak, he is strong, and vice versa.
6. We are in agreement about our finances and work together to be financially responsible and pay off debt.
7. I love the way he has made an effort to learn about mental illness and how to help me through it.
8. I love the way he hugs me.
9. He encourages me.
10. I love his faith in God and how he has helped me increase my faith in God.
11. I love his artistic talent and creative ideas.
12. I like how he challenges me in positive ways.
13. I love how much he loves holidays and birthdays.
14. I love how much he makes me laugh and I love that he laughs at my jokes.
15. I especially enjoy when we’re hanging around the house doing nothing in particular. We always find a way to keep each other entertained!
I could list off a thousand things I love about being married to Greg, but the most important is: together, we can do and get through anything. I’m incredibly proud of that!
