Category Archives: Story of My Life

A Poem I Wrote About Depression When I Was 14

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First day of high school.

My Depression

What the hell has happened to me
I used to be full of energy
Now it’s all gone
It’s been taken away from me
By my depression
It bites my arm
But does me no harm physically
Nothing’s wrong with my body
Just my head
It’s taking over me
It’s telling me over and over
What’s going to happen eventually
I don’t want to think that now
I don’t know how this happened
How is this going to turn out
How is it going to be
I’m so sad
Yet so happy
I’m full of it
Yet so empty
People ask what’s wrong
I say nothing
Life is fine and dandy
I’m just a little sleepy
Maybe a bit moody
But I’ll be all right
Don’t mind me
And then I hear them say shit
About my attitude problem
I have none
But they think differently
Then I get angry…
And I walk away
I thought suicide was the only way
But I didn’t want to hurt anybody mentally
And it still haunts me
That I thought that way…

Boys, Bitches and Hoes

Yeah, they really want you
They really want you, but I do too
I want to be the girl with the most cake
I love him so much, it just turns to hate
I fake it so real I am beyond fake
And someday you will ache like I ache
-Hole, “Doll Parts”

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Me, 5th Grade, rocking a perm

12/17/93 (10 years old)

I slow danced with Brian tonight! And I think he has a crush on me too! The slow dance was so romantic. We danced to “Ease My Troubles.”

2/15/94 

I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I’m just going so crazy about Joey. I want to say I love him, but he’ll just say, “I don’t like you.” I want to go out with him but he will be embarrassed if he went out with me because I am a complete dork to him.

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With Belle and the Beast at Disney World.

Undated.

A couple of nights ago was the dance. I slow danced with Joey five times, but I figured out that he loves Jennifer. He kissed her on the lips and held her tight.

3/7/94

I went to Stephanie’s birthday party. At night me and Joey and Stephanie watched half of The Fox and the Hound. Joey had apologized about me not going out with him. I hate him now.

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Prior to a skating recital, wearing my Mum’s awesome faux fur coat.

3/14/94

Marc told me that Sal thought I was pretty. Marc is going to ask him if he will go out with me. I hope he says yes! He’s cute with his glasses on. Plus, I need a boyfriend.

Undated

Does Bobby Like Me?

Clue 1: Christine asked me if I liked him.
Clue 2: Amanda whispered to Christine that he did like me.
Clue 3: Amanda asked me if I had a boyfriend.

He is going out with me!

3/27/94

Me and Bobby are going out. He likes me! Now I don’t feel lonely anymore! I love him. He’s cute and especially nice!

(Entry crossed out – Wrote below it: “Not anymore. We are just friends.”)

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Clockwise from top left: Me, Amanda, Bobby, and Christine. Awesome neighbors! First day of 6th grade for me.

4/21/94

A week ago was the dance. I danced with Eric five times in a row! I think he likes me. He held me wicked tight. Now I have a little crush on him. But I feel guilty because Amy really liked him and was crying. Plus Jessica was P.O.ed because she liked him too and wanted to get a chance to dance with him. But he kept asking me to slow dance and I kept on saying yes to him. I am really crushed. I love him though. I think he loves me too.

5/30/94 (11 years old)

Sal is going out with me. He’s so cute! But Amanda told everybody I was going out with him and I got embarrassed. I am quarreling with her now. I think Sal thinks that I told everybody. I hate Amanda. I really love Sal.

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My dance recital costume for “Boys From New York City.”

6/7/94

I feel so stupid. Joey asked me out. I had to say yes. Plus he gave me a sticker that said, “I love you.” But there’s a little problem. Actually, a big one. Jennifer dumped her boyfriend Steve to go out with Joey. I told her that I was going out with him and she was really p.o.ed. Now we are feuding. Amy asked Joey if he would dump me for Jennifer. He said no. She said to me not to keep my hopes up because he’ll dump me. I don’t believe her. I will keep my hopes up.

It’s just that we kissed and danced at Paul’s party. I didn’t know she dumped Steve for Joey. She blames me. I didn’t know!!! Andrea tried to make me feel better, but she couldn’t really. God, this is the worst day of my whole stupid life.

Jennifer is just making me feel so bad so she can go out with Joey but I tried to tell her that Joey does not like her. She kept on saying, “I have a bad life because of you Lisa.” I can’t believe me and Jen’s friendship is over because of Joey. I feel like crying my eyes out. She hates me so much! I can’t take her anymore!

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Jen, Andrea, and Me.

10/28/94

Guess who I have a crush on now? Matt. Rachel really likes him and is going out with him. I hate her now. I pretend to like her, but I don’t.

I <3 Matt!

11/26/94

Ok. I’m crazy for Matt. He is the cutest guy I’ve ever seen! He’s cute, caring, funny, nice, perfect! He’s the best! I always hang around with him. He’s going out with Allison. I hate her now. I pretend to like her.

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Christmas.

12/17/94

Guess what! I’m going out with Eric! I asked him out at the dance last night. I danced with him every dance except one.  I asked him to dance and he said ok. I had Jen ask him out for me and he said for me to ask him out myself. So I did and he said maybe. Then after 15 minutes he said yes. I danced  with him the last couple of dances  and it was working out good already.

2/11/95

Guess what dude! At the dance last night I slow danced with Ben. I asked him again, and each dance we got a little closer. Then, Melissa asked him out for me. He said yes!!! But then that bitch Tracey tried to make me jealous by holding his hand and putting her arm around him. What a hoe!!! But I think I won him back because I danced with him all the dances and she danced with another kid. I was glad. She better stay away from him or I will fight her. I wanted to kiss Ben to make her open her mouth wide in awe, but I didn’t do that because that was only the first night. The best thing I like about him is his voice. He has a sexy and deep voice.

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6th grade. This girl will fight you.

We Went to the Marriott and it was Beautiful

Dec. 31 “92” (9 years old)

I went to the New Year’s Eve parade. It was so fun! Amanda came with us too.

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Amanda and I.

Jan. 13 “93”

Today was a waste of time in school. But at night, at 8:00, I had a snowball fight with my family (except for Sean). I’ve had a nice day today.

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Me in the snow: sitting on top of my Dad’s buried car.

Jan 25 “93”

I have a wart on my foot. I hate it. I have to put some kind of medicine on it to make it feel better. But it looks very weird on me!!!

Jan. 30 “93”

I am sleeping over Amanda’s house today. We’re having the time of our lives! Amanda is so crazy tonight. We are laughing our heads off!

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Feb. 15 “93”

I went to the ice show “Beauty and the Beast”! It was very fun! They had snow cones in a Chip cup! Then me and Amanda went to the Marriott! It was beautiful! The ladies room smelled like bubble gum! Me and Amanda are going there on Sunday.

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I Miss Anne So Much

“A beautiful face without a name for so long
A beautiful smile to hide the pain
Did you ever know that you’re my hero
And everything I would like to be?”
-Bette Midler, Wind Beneath My Wings


Dec. 27 “92” (9 years old)

Today I went to my best friend’s house, Nikki (Anne and Bill’s daughter). We had dinner and saw the Plymouth Rock. It was fun! I only see her once or twice a year.

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Nikki and I.

Jan. 2 “93”

We took down the tree today. It was hard work. Plus, Bill called and said that Anne was gonna go to the hospital cause she’s very sick. My mom was crying cause they were best friends. And they always will be.

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Mum and Anne.

2/15/94. (10 years old)

Sorry I forgot to tell you . Well you know I told you Anne got very sick? She had cancer. She died six months ago. Me and Nikki were crying like heck. I miss Anne so much. But somehow, it seems like she’s not dead. It seems like it’s all a dream.

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~

One of my last memories of Anne defines who she was as  a person.

I was 9 years old and I always had trouble falling asleep at other kids’ houses during sleepovers. I had a hard enough time falling asleep in my own bedroom. It would get to be 4 or 5 o’clock in the morning, and I would become incredibly upset because I still hadn’t gotten any sleep.

I slept over Anne and Bill’s house one night when Anne was going through chemotherapy. Nikki and I were on the pull-out couch in the living room. Nikki always fell asleep with the TV on. I could never fall asleep with the TV on.

Anne got up a few times during that night to throw up in the bathroom. She was sick from her chemotherapy treatments. Each time, I pretended to be asleep. I didn’t want to disturb her.

When it got to be about 4 or 5 in the morning, I started to cry. Nikki was sound asleep and snoring. I couldn’t sleep already, and her snoring was making it more difficult. I was trying so hard to fall asleep, but I think trying made me even more stressed and unable to fall asleep.

Anne must have heard me crying. She got up again, and I tried to stay quiet so she could go to the bathroom and throw up without being disturbed.

However this time she came into the living room. I can’t remember if she said anything to me. I was laying on the pull-out couch face down. All I could remember was that she started rubbing my back in circular motions. She was trying to get me to calm down and help me fall asleep.

I felt horrible. Anne was so sick, and here she was, rubbing my back so I could  calm down and fall asleep. It made me cry a little more. But eventually, I fell asleep.

I will never forget that. Anne always put others before herself, even when she was dying from cancer.

The last time I saw Anne was a few days before she died. She was at Mass General and we took the red line in to Charles MGH station to see her. She was bald. She looked so frail. I was afraid to touch her. She looked so different from the last time I saw her. I remember hugging her before we said goodbye and being afraid to dislodge anything attached to her in the hospital bed. I can’t remember any words exchanged.

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The day Anne died was the first time I saw my Dad cry. I was sitting on the back steps when we received the phone call from Bill. Dad came outside and sat on one of the back steps with me.

“Anne passed away,” he said. He burst into tears. I did too. Part of the reason I cried was seeing my Dad cry.

She was only 46. Skin cancer.

I remember the wake. Anne had a brown wig on her head that matched the color hair she had before cancer took it away.

She was beautiful.

I couldn’t cry at the funeral. I had to be strong for Nikki. I was ten. She was eleven.

I had to be strong for Mum too.

I never lost anyone that close that young after that. The rest of the deaths I encountered weren’t as hard to recover from. It’s still hard for me to cry around others even when people die, because I still feel like I have to be strong for whatever reason.

We didn’t see Nikki and Bill much after Anne died. I’m not sure Nikki ever recovered from Anne’s death.

Years later, we learned that Bill got remarried. Mum was happy to know that. She wanted him to be able to move on.

Many years after that, Mum ran into Bill at the supermarket. We learned that Nikki worked at a local Papa Gino’s in the Plymouth area. She recently lost her boyfriend to a drug overdose.

When Mum told me, I felt so sad for Nikki.

How much loss can this girl endure?

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Me and Nikki.

I Am Born.

“Let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.”
-Maria, The Sound of Music

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Sean McLaughlin.
Today is Tuesday,
May 3, 1983.
It is cloudy and humid.
Sean’s mother went to
have a baby. We will save
our milk cartons to plant seeds.

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Sean McLaughlin.
Today is Wednesday
May 4, 1983.
It is cloudy and warm.
We had gum.
We had music.
Sean’s mother had a
new baby girl. Her name
is Lisa Ann.

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Sean.

~

My brother Sean named me. My parents were going to name me Leanne, but Sean, 8 years old at the time, determined that naming me Leanne wouldn’t make sense. Everyone else in the family, except Mum, had four letters in their names: Jack, Sean, and Paul. Mum had four letters times two: Rosemary (also two names with four letters).

The new baby’s name should therefore be Lisa.

And that’s why I’m named Lisa. My middle name is Anne, with an e at the end. My middle name is after my mother’s best friend, Anne Martin.

Lisa Anne McLaughlin.

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