Day 23: I’m Glad I’m Expressing My Feelings More

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I shared something on here.

I wanted to do this #30DaysProud thing daily, but as I went on I also wanted to share quality, well-thought out writing with my readers.

The past few weeks have been rough. We’ve had terrible weather in Massachusetts and I experience some seasonal depression as it is. The increased isolation from the amount of snow we’ve received has only made it worse.

Here is my I’m fucking sick of snow face:

sickofsnow

Here are the 7 foot snow banks we have in Massachusetts:

snow

I’ve been trying to get to the gym more to help my mood as well. So that leaves less time for writing.

I’ve also gotten a LITTLE addicted to Minecraft. But that’s another story…

minecraft

ANYWAY today it was above 50 degrees in Massachusetts and the snow has started to melt a bit. Yay!

mass

Today I wanted to share the fact that I am proud I am expressing my feelings more.

Recently I read an article about the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. It really hit me, and I’m trying to apply these lessons to my own life.

TopRegrets

The BIG one I struggle with is having the courage to express my feelings. OH MAN, do I struggle with this. Because I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life, I have had to teach myself to hide my feelings so people won’t think I’m crazy (in short). I’ve also learned to put on this front that I am stronger than I really am because I’ve been hurt in the past by people I cared for. I don’t want anyone to think I’m emotionally vulnerable so they feel they have a license to hurt me or take advantage of me.

rihanna

My version of appearing “strong” is bottling up my feelings when I’m around people and letting them BURST when I’m alone or at inappropriate times because I simply can’t take it anymore. I have become so good at this that I can’t even cry at funerals. I also didn’t cry at the airport gate when my boyfriend (now husband) left for Iraq. This makes me feel like a complete jerk, but bottling my feelings has become so ingrained in me and it’s my automatic response to painful things.

I am trying to let go of that because years of therapy have taught me that bottling your feelings is bad for you. You need to express your feelings, ESPECIALLY if they are completely normal responses to painful things like losing a loved one or being rejected by someone you care for. Otherwise you appear strong when you’re really weak, carrying anger, resentment, and jealousy around you all day, everyday.

feel-all-the-feelings

Before I became severely depressed in college, I used to write a lot of cards and little notes. It’s hard for me to vocalize feelings, because I’m not the best orator and I feel like I come off as stupid. I’m not as quick-witted as many of my friends, and sometimes I struggle to find the proper words at the top of my head during a conversation. I feel like I’m a lot smarter when I’m just thinking my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, it’s always a bit disappointing and embarrassing.

misunderestimated

Writing has always been my way to convey my true feelings without sounding like an idiot. So often I would write little cards and notes to my friends, family members, boyfriends, teachers, etc.

I’ve begun writing little notes and cards again, mostly to my husband to tell him how I really feel. It has been pretty rewarding and it makes me feel good. Sometimes I’ll write a card before I drive home from work. I know if anything happens to me on the way home, I can die happy knowing that that card in my purse may reach my husband and he’ll know how much I love him.

cards

Sometimes I would walk around a store and have a random thought about someone I love. I’d think, “Oh, look at this. So-and-so would like this.” But then I wouldn’t get it because I lacked confidence or thought I might be spending money foolishly.

Now, if I have a nice thought about someone, and wish to get them something to show them I’m thinking of them, I buy it and send it. Because I know I won’t regret it.

That’s just one way I’m expressing my true feeling more. I’m also trying to get better at expressing feelings verbally, but it’s tougher for me. My husband has taught me a lot about healthy communication and I feel I practice healthy communication with him. With others, I struggle. But I’m trying to get better.

Do you have trouble expressing your feelings too? Have you found a way to cope?