Day 19 – Makeup
I’m proud of the fact that recently I’ve been able to leave the house without makeup.
It may sound silly, but it’s kind of a big deal for me.
In an effort to save money and time, I’ve opted to not wear makeup unless it is a special occasion.
I often feel very self conscious without makeup. I’m very pale, and my complexion is far from perfect.
I’m often asked if I’m not feeling well when I don’t wear makeup. I work in healthcare and was once told by a doctor that I looked “very sick” on a day I didn’t have time to put makeup on. I lied and said that I WAS sick, because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with his unintended insult smoothly.
That gives you an idea of the difference between my natural and painted on look.
Here’s me with makeup on, looking ridiculous because I always look horrible in pictures I try to appear normal in:
Here’s me without makeup on:
The above picture was incredibly difficult to find because I’m hardly ever without makeup. I sort of hate sharing it with you, but whatever.
Makeup can be very expensive and time-consuming. As much as I LOVE BareMinerals, I just can’t keep spending the amount of money I’ve been spending there. Besides, I’m in my 30s now and am confident that I’m defined by more things than my appearance. I don’t know who the hell I’m trying to impress anyway. My husband finds me just as attractive without makeup.
From here forward, I’m going to save the money I’ve been wasting on makeup and put it toward an awesome trip. And I’m going to focus more on improving my personality rather than my appearance.
Day 20 – Weight
I’m proud that I’ve chosen not to freak out about the weight I’ve gained lately.
For those of you who know me, you know that I have a naturally petite frame. That is what I am used to and what I am comfortable with.
A couple of years ago I started taking a new medication. It made me gain 10 lbs. in one week.
I went back to the doctor and said, “What the hell is going on? I’ve gained a lot of weight since starting this medication.”
She said, “Oh, I’m not surprised. I’ve had people come back into my office 60 lbs. heavier than they were the last time I saw them.”
My eyes bulged out of my head. I was pissed she didn’t tell me about the risk of weight gain, but she was a really good doctor. Honestly, my weight/appearance didn’t matter much to her. My overall wellness did. So I cut her some slack.
“This medicine will make you hungry,” she said. “If you want to keep the weight off, you really need to focus on getting to the gym and watching your caloric intake.”
So during the 6 months following that appointment, I got a little crazy about my weight. I worked hard to lost 20 pounds and return to my naturally thin frame.
But I think I overdid it a little. I focused too much on losing weight rather than getting in shape. I felt very confident with my appearance, but I was kind of miserable. I was living off mostly oatmeal and yogurt, and became obsessive about my workout routine.
I have a few friends who have had eating disorders. I didn’t have an eating disorder at this point, but I was becoming borderline. I used to celebrate ending up with a net of less than 1,000 calories each day (having worked off most of the calories I ate). That is until the MyFitnessPal app started yelling at me to consume more calories. I soon discovered that the absolute MINIMUM women should net each day is 1,200 calories. Otherwise, your body goes into starvation mode.
In the past couple of years I’ve experienced changes in my lifestyle including moving to a new area, starting a new job, and being closer to more friends. My life has become a lot more social and that means I spend more time going out to eat, watching movies, attending parties, and participating in other sedentary activities. I haven’t had as much time to go to the gym every day and eat as healthy.
I recently gained back all of the weight I lost, and then some. I continue to be on the medication that the doctor placed me on, because it really works for me.
Part of me is really embarrassed and ashamed that I gained back all that weight. But another part of me tells myself, “Shut the fuck up. You’re fine.”
I’ve gotten back into a regular workout schedule and healthy eating regimen. I’m doing the best I can.
Often I say to myself, “I need to lose this weight now now NOW!” And I’m tempted to pursue unhealthy paths to accomplish this.
But I’m trying my best to resist that part of myself. I will just continue to do the best I can to get in shape.
Here is a picture of the largest I’ve been in my adult life. It was toward the end of my college years, after I stopped a medication. I immediately gained a lot of weight (for me) as a side effect.
One day when I was feeling down about myself, my husband taped the above picture to our bedroom mirror along with this message:
So I try to remember that each day. It helps.
I’m proud that I’m doing the best that I can to get in shape. And I know that if I do it the right way, I will have a lot more confidence in myself than the last time I lost all of that weight.
And this time, the reason I work out is because it makes me feel good and puts me in a better mood.
I want a prettier personality. The body comes second.