Day 23: I’m Glad I’m Expressing My Feelings More

Day 23: I’m Glad I’m Expressing My Feelings More

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

I know it’s been a couple of weeks since I shared something on here.

I wanted to do this #30DaysProud thing daily, but as I went on I also wanted to share quality, well-thought out writing with my readers.

The past few weeks have been rough. We’ve had terrible weather in Massachusetts and I experience some seasonal depression as it is. The increased isolation from the amount of snow we’ve received has only made it worse.

Here is my I’m fucking sick of snow face:

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Here are the 7 foot snow banks we have in Massachusetts:

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I’ve been trying to get to the gym more to help my mood as well. So that leaves less time for writing.

I’ve also gotten a LITTLE addicted to Minecraft. But that’s another story…

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ANYWAY today it was above 50 degrees in Massachusetts and the snow has started to melt a bit. Yay!

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Today I wanted to share the fact that I am proud I am expressing my feelings more.

Recently I read an article about the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. It really hit me, and I’m trying to apply these lessons to my own life.

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The BIG one I struggle with is having the courage to express my feelings. OH MAN, do I struggle with this. Because I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life, I have had to teach myself to hide my feelings so people won’t think I’m crazy (in short). I’ve also learned to put on this front that I am stronger than I really am because I’ve been hurt in the past by people I cared for. I don’t want anyone to think I’m emotionally vulnerable so they feel they have a license to hurt me or take advantage of me.

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My version of appearing “strong” is bottling up my feelings when I’m around people and letting them BURST when I’m alone or at inappropriate times because I simply can’t take it anymore. I have become so good at this that I can’t even cry at funerals. I also didn’t cry at the airport gate when my boyfriend (now husband) left for Iraq. This makes me feel like a complete jerk, but bottling my feelings has become so ingrained in me and it’s my automatic response to painful things.

I am trying to let go of that because years of therapy have taught me that bottling your feelings is bad for you. You need to express your feelings, ESPECIALLY if they are completely normal responses to painful things like losing a loved one or being rejected by someone you care for. Otherwise you appear strong when you’re really weak, carrying anger, resentment, and jealousy around you all day, everyday.

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Before I became severely depressed in college, I used to write a lot of cards and little notes. It’s hard for me to vocalize feelings, because I’m not the best orator and I feel like I come off as stupid. I’m not as quick-witted as many of my friends, and sometimes I struggle to find the proper words at the top of my head during a conversation. I feel like I’m a lot smarter when I’m just thinking my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, it’s always a bit disappointing and embarrassing.

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Writing has always been my way to convey my true feelings without sounding like an idiot. So often I would write little cards and notes to my friends, family members, boyfriends, teachers, etc.

I’ve begun writing little notes and cards again, mostly to my husband to tell him how I really feel. It has been pretty rewarding and it makes me feel good. Sometimes I’ll write a card before I drive home from work. I know if anything happens to me on the way home, I can die happy knowing that that card in my purse may reach my husband and he’ll know how much I love him.

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Sometimes I would walk around a store and have a random thought about someone I love. I’d think, “Oh, look at this. So-and-so would like this.” But then I wouldn’t get it because I lacked confidence or thought I might be spending money foolishly.

Now, if I have a nice thought about someone, and wish to get them something to show them I’m thinking of them, I buy it and send it. Because I know I won’t regret it.

That’s just one way I’m expressing my true feeling more. I’m also trying to get better at expressing feelings verbally, but it’s tougher for me. My husband has taught me a lot about healthy communication and I feel I practice healthy communication with him. With others, I struggle. But I’m trying to get better.

Do you have trouble expressing your feelings too? Have you found a way to cope?

Day 21: I’m Proud I’ve Chosen To Be More Thankful

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

Today I’m proud that I’ve chosen to be more thankful.

A couple of years ago I was part of a women’s study group through a local church. We decided to read a book called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and work together to adopt “Eucharisteo,” a sense of joy, grace and thanksgiving in our everyday lives.

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The book changed my life. I highly recommend it, especially if you subscribe to the Christian philosophy (Voskamp is a Christian writer and shares her experience through that lens).

I adore Ann Voskamp’s writing. It’s honestly not for everyone, but I enjoyed the book because Voskamp is a poet at heart and I love poetry. I distinctly remember a few paragraphs in the book where she described grating mozzarella cheese to make homemade pizza for her family. Grating cheese onto homemade dough never sounded so beautiful and serene. She made grating cheese sound like the most amazing, life-giving, and fulfilling activity in the world.

Grated cheddar cheese

While grating cheese bores the hell out of me (maybe I’m not far enough on my spiritual or poetic journey as Ann is to appreciate it that much), the concepts Ann conveyed in the book really changed me. She taught me to appreciate the SIMPLEST things in life. Ordinary, everyday things.

Because that is the STUFF of life. Those little moments are the things we often look back on and remember with fondness.

Expressing thanks each day has made me a much happier person. There are days where I don’t appreciate things as much and don’t express thanks. Those days tend to be harder to get through.

So each day, usually at the end of the day, I try to express thanks for things large and small.

In One Thousand Gifts, Voskamp encourages readers to start making a list of their own One Thousand Gifts. Here are a few things from the beginning of my list I started two years ago:

1. Warmth of a jacket, gloves, and scarf in the winter.

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2. Putting on my bathrobe in the morning.
3. The smell and taste of morning coffee and the comfort it brings.
4. Morning hugs.
5. My husband Greg telling me to have a good day and to drive safe.
6. Warm showers and the way they wake you up and refresh you.
7. Warm baths bringing relaxation and time of reflection.
8. Clean water to drink and bathe in.
9. Enough clothing.
10. Light at my command.
11. Warm oatmeal.
12. Reliable transportation to work.
13. Love notes from Greg.

14. All of my silly coffee mugs, especially the one with the cow my Mum gave me.

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15. Lungs laboring breath.
16. Beautiful smiles painted by the joy of the Lord.
17. The wisdom shared in my church group.
18. Powdery snow on tree branches.
19. Pay day!
20. Falling snow.
21. My warm K-State mittens.
22. Hot chocolate.

23. The hope of Spring, closer every day.

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24. God’s grace, extended to even the worst of people.
25. Working toilets (I wrote this after BOTH of our toilets in our last apartment weren’t working. Man… it is a true blessing to have a working toilet!)
26. When Greg waxes artistic.

27. My friend Robbie J’s sense of humor. He taught me how to be funny.

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28. My Dad’s optimism and friendliness.

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29. My Mum’s strength and kindness.

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30. My brother Sean’s humor and recovery. He is a miracle.

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31. My brother Paul’s wonderful culinary creations and his quiet kindness.

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32. My sister-in-law Diana’s positivity and hospitality.

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33. My sweet nephew Connor.

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34. My friend Lisa Wright’s caring spirit.

35. Everyone in Greg’s family accepting me into their family and loving me as their own.

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36. Doctors and therapists who care.
37. Greg being the water to my earth.
38. Singing in the car.
39. Access to education.

40. Dunks.

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41. Kansas sunsets.
42. Time alone for reflection.
43. The Cross. Forgiveness.

44. Greg’s smile- pure, cheerful, loving, and unforced.

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45. Greg telling me that my hair smells like sunshine after our walk today.
46. Parks.

47. Friends both near and far.

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48. Healthy food.
49. Thunder snow! (Yep, it’s a thing).

50. My life as it is.

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I’ve added more to the list since then, and hope to continue to add to the list of things I’m thankful for.

I feel very blessed. For all things, large and small.

Days 19 & 20: I’m Proud That I’m Focusing Less On Vanity

Days 19 & 20: I’m Proud That I’m Focusing Less On Vanity

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

Day 19 – Makeup

I’m proud of the fact that recently I’ve been able to leave the house without makeup.

It may sound silly, but it’s kind of a big deal for me.

In an effort to save money and time, I’ve opted to not wear makeup unless it is a special occasion.

I often feel very self conscious without makeup. I’m very pale, and my complexion is far from perfect.

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I’m often asked if I’m not feeling well when I don’t wear makeup. I work in healthcare and was once told by a doctor that I looked “very sick” on a day I didn’t have time to put makeup on. I lied and said that I WAS sick, because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with his unintended insult smoothly.

That gives you an idea of the difference between my natural and painted on look.

Here’s me with makeup on, looking ridiculous because I always look horrible in pictures I try to appear normal in:

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Here’s me without makeup on:

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The above picture was incredibly difficult to find because I’m hardly ever without makeup. I sort of hate sharing it with you, but whatever.

Makeup can be very expensive and time-consuming. As much as I LOVE BareMinerals, I just can’t keep spending the amount of money I’ve been spending there. Besides, I’m in my 30s now and am confident that I’m defined by more things than my appearance. I don’t know who the hell I’m trying to impress anyway. My husband finds me just as attractive without makeup.

From here forward, I’m going to save the money I’ve been wasting on makeup and put it toward an awesome trip. And I’m going to focus more on improving my personality rather than my appearance.

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Day 20 – Weight

I’m proud that I’ve chosen not to freak out about the weight I’ve gained lately.

For those of you who know me, you know that I have a naturally petite frame. That is what I am used to and what I am comfortable with.

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A couple of years ago I started taking a new medication. It made me gain 10 lbs. in one week.

I went back to the doctor and said, “What the hell is going on? I’ve gained a lot of weight since starting this medication.”

She said, “Oh, I’m not surprised. I’ve had people come back into my office 60 lbs. heavier than they were the last time I saw them.”

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My eyes bulged out of my head. I was pissed she didn’t tell me about the risk of weight gain, but she was a really good doctor. Honestly, my weight/appearance didn’t matter much to her. My overall wellness did. So I cut her some slack.

“This medicine will make you hungry,” she said. “If you want to keep the weight off, you really need to focus on getting to the gym and watching your caloric intake.”

So during the 6 months following that appointment, I got a little crazy about my weight. I worked hard to lost 20 pounds and return to my naturally thin frame.

But I think I overdid it a little. I focused too much on losing weight rather than getting in shape. I felt very confident with my appearance, but I was kind of miserable. I was living off mostly oatmeal and yogurt, and became obsessive about my workout routine.

I have a few friends who have had eating disorders. I didn’t have an eating disorder at this point, but I was becoming borderline. I used to celebrate ending up with a net of less than 1,000 calories each day (having worked off most of the calories I ate). That is until the MyFitnessPal app started yelling at me to consume more calories. I soon discovered that the absolute MINIMUM women should net each day is 1,200 calories. Otherwise, your body goes into starvation mode.

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In the past couple of years I’ve experienced changes in my lifestyle including moving to a new area, starting a new job, and being closer to more friends. My life has become a lot more social and that means I spend more time going out to eat, watching movies, attending parties, and participating in other sedentary activities. I haven’t had as much time to go to the gym every day and eat as healthy.

I recently gained back all of the weight I lost, and then some. I continue to be on the medication that the doctor placed me on, because it really works for me.

Part of me is really embarrassed and ashamed that I gained back all that weight. But another part of me tells myself, “Shut the fuck up. You’re fine.”

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I’ve gotten back into a regular workout schedule and healthy eating regimen. I’m doing the best I can.

Often I say to myself, “I need to lose this weight now now NOW!” And I’m tempted to pursue unhealthy paths to accomplish this.

But I’m trying my best to resist that part of myself. I will just continue to do the best I can to get in shape.

Here is a picture of the largest I’ve been in my adult life. It was toward the end of my college years, after I stopped a medication. I immediately gained a lot of weight (for me) as a side effect.

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One day when I was feeling down about myself, my husband taped the above picture to our bedroom mirror along with this message:

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So I try to remember that each day. It helps.

I’m proud that I’m doing the best that I can to get in shape. And I know that if I do it the right way, I will have a lot more confidence in myself than the last time I lost all of that weight.

And this time, the reason I work out is because it makes me feel good and puts me in a better mood.

I want a prettier personality. The body comes second.

Day 18: I’m Proud of My Writing

Day 18: I’m Proud of My Writing

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

Today I am proud of my writing skills.

I’ve been a writer for about 20 years now. It all began when I was 11 years old and I had to keep a journal for my 6th grade English class. I wrote a poem for each entry- the poems were usually about nature, God, and silly adolescent stuff.

My poems reminded my Dad of Emily Dickinson’s poems, and he encouraged me to read a biography about the famously reclusive poet, as well as her groundbreaking poems.

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Emily Dickinson

We did a section on the Holocaust in my 7th grade English class, and I decided that I would write my term paper about children of the Holocaust. I read and immediately fell in love with Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl.

My first official journal was dedicated to Anne Frank, my new kindred spirit. I began to document everyday life and include photos, ticket stubs, and more, like Anne did.

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I have filled many more journals since then and eventually earned my bachelor’s degree in journalism and English.

I sometimes look back on those journals, read the entries, and think, “This is pretty good. Maybe I could write a book one day and include something like this in it.”

I have written a novel for National Novel Writing Month, but haven’t refined it enough yet that I would be comfortable releasing it to the world.

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Now my career includes writing. I’m proud that I am able to use that skill in my daily working life and in my spare time.

Everybody has different talents, and not many people can write well because they are talented in other ways. I am proud that I can write and enjoy the fulfillment it gives me.

The only bad thing about my writing is I am VERY particular about it! I won’t share anything I consider “crap”. And each blog post I write has at least 5 revisions.

That’s why I haven’t been sharing things daily for my 30 Days Proud Project. Because I’ll start to write something and get stuck, or I’ll think, “This isn’t coming across right. Screw it!” I will never share anything I consider sub-par with anyone.

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But I think my nitpickiness has helped me become a better writer over the years.

Who knows… maybe I will publish a novel someday… if I ever work up the guts to share it!

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Day 17: I’m Proud of Our Marriage

Day 17: I’m Proud of Our Marriage

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

One of the things I’m most proud of in this life is my relationship with my husband, Greg, and our marriage.

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People aren’t lying when they say that marriage is hard. It definitely can be.

But with us, it often feels easy because we are best friends first and foremost. And we genuinely enjoy spending time together. Most importantly, we make each other laugh. I believe laughter is crucial to a successful relationship and marriage!

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Greg and I have been married for almost 5 years, but have been companions for 12. It is so weird to think that we’ve been together for that long! It doesn’t feel that long.

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We’ve been through a lot during the last 12 years. Long distance dating, Marine Corps boot camp, college, the Iraq War, moving across the country together (twice), taking chances, experiencing successes and failures and remaining strong through them, figuring out what we want to do with our lives, losing loved ones, being faithful to each other, and so much more.

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Here are a bunch of things I love about my husband and about being married to him:

1. I like that he worries about me even though I can handle myself.
2. I like the way he says, “Hey you” when I come home.
3. I like the way he smiles at me.
4. Yesterday he told me I looked pretty (even though I hadn’t showered for two days) and that I always look pretty.
5. We build each other up when needed. When I am weak, he is strong, and vice versa.
6. We are in agreement about our finances and work together to be financially responsible and pay off debt.
7. I love the way he has made an effort to learn about mental illness and how to help me through it.
8. I love the way he hugs me.
9. He encourages me.
10. I love his faith in God and how he has helped me increase my faith in God.
11. I love his artistic talent and creative ideas.
12. I like how he challenges me in positive ways.
13. I love how much he loves holidays and birthdays.
14. I love how much he makes me laugh and I love that he laughs at my jokes.
15. I especially enjoy when we’re hanging around the house doing nothing in particular. We always find a way to keep each other entertained!

I could list off a thousand things I love about being married to Greg, but the most important is: together, we can do and get through anything. I’m incredibly proud of that!

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Days 12, 13, 14, 15, & 16: Personality Traits

Days 12, 13, 14, 15, & 16: Personality Traits

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

I’m a few days behind, so I’m going to knock out a few of these by focusing on a few personality traits I’m proud to have.

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Day 12

Compassion – I am proud that I am a compassionate person. I really sympathize with people who have had a rough hand in life and try to help where I can. I have made it a point in the past year to donate more money and items to charities I believe in.

The only downside to my compassion is that I tend to hold people who have had a good hand dealt to them to higher standards. I get REALLY annoyed when people whine about “first world problems.” Oh, your lawn isn’t coming in as green as you want it to? Grad school “sucks”? (reminder: most people globally don’t have access to education beyond the elementary level). You have to bring your BMW to the shop? Shut the hell up.

Day 13

Humor – I have a great sense of humor. This wasn’t always the case. It’s something I have honed over the last decade or so. My husband and my friends have really helped me with developing a better sense of humor and being able to take a joke. Humor is also a tool I use to cope with depression. I especially enjoy making fun of myself. The title of this blog, Typical Broad, is in fact a jab at myself for being SUCH A GIRL.

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Day 14

Worldly – There are two definitions of worldly. One is being concerned with material things, and one is being experienced and knowledgeable. I find that I am the latter. I’ve been through a lot, and have been told that I am wise beyond my years.

Day 15

Social/Emotional Intelligence – I had to ask my husband about what good qualities he thought I had, because I was running out of ideas. He said he really appreciates that I have an ability to immediately pick up on how people around me are feeling. I also am really good at interpreting social cues. I would consider this a normal trait for anyone, but my husband doesn’t really have this ability. He can be kind of oblivious when it comes to social cues. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just that (apparently) I am really good at reading people and social situations.

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Day 16

Humility – Since it’s hard for me to come up with positive personality traits I possess, I suppose you could call me humble. This is a trait I really value in others as well. In the world of social media, it’s so easy to come across braggarts. That is the only reason some people use social media- to one-up each other. I really hate braggarts and one-upmanship. I appreciate people who are confident, but also recognize how blessed they are and are grateful for their circumstances and opportunities.

Day 11: Financial Responsibility & Saying No

Day 11: Financial Responsibility & Saying No

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

Today I’m proud that my husband and I have made a commitment to financial responsibility.

A few years ago, before we got married, we took Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace course. It really changed our lives. We became dedicated to saving money for emergencies and other important things, all while paying off some of our debt. We got one car paid off through the process and built up an emergency fund to help us in case life happened.

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The process included obtaining a second job to have more income. At one point, I was working 70 hours per week. So was my husband. We were really tired, but kept our eyes on the prize.

We also paid for our entire wedding without using a credit card or going into any debt. Sure, we didn’t have open bar and couldn’t afford the extra niceties the wedding industry works so hard to sell you on, but we still had a great wedding.

We haven’t been THAT intense about our budget and goals lately, but decided after the new year we needed to step it up and get back on track.

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Are you looking to do the same? Here’s a list of some seriously stupid things you can cut out of your monthly expenses that will help you get out of debt and save more. It helped us reach our goals and may help you:

  • Stop buying alcohol. Not only is alcohol expensive (especially at restaurants), it increases your caloric intake and your risk for health problems. If it keeps you from reaching your financial goals, cut it out.
  • Stop going out to restaurants. Just stop. Whenever you’re tempted to go out, stop at your local grocery store and buy ingredients to make whatever you were going to order. Yeah, I know it’s more convenient to go out. But if you plan ahead each week you won’t be tempted to go out.
  • Stop going out as much as you do. Budget a little bit each month to go out if you can afford to. You don’t want to become a complete hermit. But stop going out as much as you used to. Your friends will understand when you explain that you’re trying to save money for a house, vacation, or to pay off debt. If they don’t understand and make fun of you for it, they are dumb and you shouldn’t hang out with them. Seriously… look at how much you spend going out. It’s more than you think.
  • High end hair products, makeup, and other hygiene products. As much as you claim you need them, you don’t. You really don’t. You can survive without them. Yeah, you may not look as pretty. But it’s not too pretty to be broke, either. If you use stuff like Proactiv that is more like a medication than a beauty product, THAT IS OKAY. You can still buy that. You don’t need the other stuff.
  • Salon visits. You can definitely do without these. Grow your hair out and get it trimmed every six months or so. You really don’t need to go more than that. I’ve gone without a salon visit for more than a year. You can too. It will be okay.
  • Cable. I haven’t had cable TV for years. I don’t miss it ONE BIT. TV has become unbearably idiotic, and it’s a worthless expense that encourages you to just sit on your ass. I know, sometimes you need something like Real Housewives to unwind after a long day and feel better about yourself, but you’re better off taking a walk outside or reading a book.
  • DVDs, CDs, and other entertainment. Don’t need it. Cut it out.
  • Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts trips. Make your own goddamn coffee, you lazy ass. Purchase or save up for a Keurig if it’s more convenient. You’ll spend a lot less on K-Cups than having someone make your coffee for you.
  • If you’re getting married: Don’t let those asshole vendors play on your sentimentality to make you feel obligated to have fucking favors and a bouquet of flowers on every table. “This is your day!!! You only get married once!!!” Not anymore, bitches. If you can’t afford a big wedding, keep it simple and fun. Fun is all that matters and you don’t need to spend $50,000 to impress people who already love you.
  • Leasing vehicles or rent-to-own furniture: Don’t even talk to me.

Remember:

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Day 10 – Eating Right

Day 10 – Eating Right

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

I had a rough couple of days in regards to my depression, so it was really hard for me to see the positive and come up with 30 Days Proud project posts.

I feel better today, thankfully. As I’ve mentioned here before, winter can be a rough time for me. And as hard as I try, sometimes I just have a bad day and the depression wins.

It’s not winning today. So here goes:

Day 10 – Eating Right

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Christmas was a lot of fun for my husband and I. We traveled to Kansas to spend time with his family. We went out to eat a lot, and got fast food a few times. I love going out to eat, but doing it most of the week had a negative effect on my stomach and mood (I also drank a lot because I didn’t have to work all week. That certainly didn’t help).

When I lost 20 pounds a couple of years ago, I realized just how much what I ate had an effect on my mood and overall well-being. Sometimes you can’t help getting off-track, especially when you travel. And you can’t help but indulge a little bit around Christmas!

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But let’s be honest. I’ve been a off-track for a while in regards to my diet. Christmas in Kansas was the tipping point. So when I got back from Kansas, I decided I needed to focus on eating right again so I would feel better emotionally and be physically energized for the gym.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been buying and consuming lots of fruits and vegetables (mostly organic), along with food that contains less or zero chemicals.

I used to focus more on cutting calories. Now my focus is on cutting chemicals. Sure, that pure maple syrup may be 210 calories per 1/4 cup, but at least it doesn’t have high fructose corn syrup and a long list of other chemicals that are going to fuck with my body and mind.

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I’ve also been cooking more homemade recipes, which you already know.

I still have bad days, but eating food that empowers me both physically and mentally has made a world of difference for me over the past couple of weeks.

So I’m proud that I’m making the commitment to “eat like a fucking grown-up,” as my new Thug Kitchen cookbook preaches.

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It’s worth it. I’m worth it.

Day 9: I’m Proud to be a Feminist

Day 9: I’m Proud to be a Feminist

Posted on by thetypicalbroad@gmail.com

Today I’m proud that I’m a feminist. I told my husband I was having trouble coming up with things I’m proud of, and he suggested that I cover this topic for Day 9 of my 30 Days Proud project.

I have to admit that I’m having trouble with this, because “Feminist” seems to be a controversial term of late.

It’s baffling to me.

I pride myself on having a sense of humor in regards to my feminism, and wanted to share some fun feminism memes with you to reflect that. However, when I googled “Feminist Memes” and “Feminist Funny,” ALL the results were super negative against feminism. What the fuck.

Being a feminist simply means that I believe in the equality of the sexes. That’s it. I don’t favor women over men or hate men. I don’t feel like I shouldn’t have to do dishes or other domestic shit. I don’t think I deserve preferential treatment in the workplace. I don’t call men stupid or infer that they are stupid. I know that’s sexist and is counterproductive to promoting equality.

True feminism recognizes all genders as equal and believes they should have equal rights and access to things such as jobs, education, healthcare, etc.

If you don’t believe in that, I think you’re an asshole.

There are may factors and experiences which led me to being a feminist who advocates for equal rights. The thing that had the most affect on me was my family. My Mum and Dad raised me to be an empowered woman who is capable of anything. They also raised me to settle for nothing less than respect.

That’s it! That’s why I’m a feminist and what feminism means to me. I’m proud of it. It made me the super cool person I am today.

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